Journey that feels Lonely

I think the hardest part through this entire process from the Autism to Gender Identity and Mental health has been the isolation.It’s the every new diagnosis becomes a sea of new feelings,new information,new research to understand everything.Maybe not everyone does this but,I dive into research to educate myself and each pathway leads to correlations and more information.The hard part is your constantly learning and want to share with other people only to realize if the other people aren’t living your experience they probably aren’t going to understand what your going through.Living is seeing and understanding,conversations that never seem to end because they are constantly changing and evolving.I wish I could sit down with someone who has no experience with Autism,mental health,gender identity,LGBTQIA identities and at the end of our sit down they understand but,that would require a completely open mind and heart free of biases and judgement and that’s not likely to be the result.People don’t tell you that Autism is also sensory issues to textures,smells,sounds etc balance and coordination issues,emotional regulation issues,eating issues,anxiety,depression,hygiene aversions and sensitivities,Gender not being black and white for Neurodiverse people.Learning issues,processing issues.No you get handed a Diagnosis and somehow are supposed to know that within one Diagnosis exists multiple other disorders and diagnoses that don’t even show up yet.I personally feel like I have been on a perpetual rollercoaster with no Brake.I can only hope by sharing my experiences here with others on similar journeys maybe it will help others looking for answers to understand.I will happily chat with anyone who needs it as well as continue to post external links and books I have found helpful.I also founded a LGBTQIA+ center with my kiddo all in the goal of helping them and others.

Gender Diversity

What is Gender Diversity It’s a spectrum of ones identity involving how they view their own gender.Most people are adamantly Male or Female.Non-Binary Folx tend to view themselves as neither all male or all female and usually have expressions of both on a regular basis But,the percentage of feeling like male or female varies by the day or mood the person may be experiencing.Most Neurodiverse people do not view gender as black and white to begin with making them more likely to identify as a Non-Binary they might shave or not wear make-up or not get hormone therapy or not or chose to get Top Surgery or Bottom surgery,Feminine facialization,Have the adams apple appearance reduced.Whatever makes your child regardless of age stop hurting inside and out by letting them journey to the point they feel whole in their bodies is the point anything less is just not good enough.

I know most people don’t or can’t understand some or all of what we go through and unless you live it there isn’t any real way to explain it to others.I can only show up for my kiddo day after day supporting,advocating and loving them.

If anything I share resonates with you and you want to have a conversation I’m all ears send a message.I have always been willing to help other people and families navigate difficult journeys like ours even if it’s just an empathetic ear and no judgement.

Why Mental Health Matters…Our Story

Last time I left off we just touched on the beginning of our Mental health Journey.Please Be Aware there is lot of TW content if your sensitive to this topic please stop reading now.So we had our first inpatient admission for Self harm,suicide ideation and elopement.(running away).As we re sitting there and I am filling out the admission forms which if you have never had the experience of doing seem eternally long.I was still trying to process the events of the day half beside myself and have scared to death and feeling all kinds of guilty how did I not know there was more happening and was it my fault.Masking is a real thing so not knowing was kind of a ASD super power especially in AFAB assigned female at birth.The second thought of was it my fault short answer is no, the long answer is parent guilt is so real.My kiddo had to get changed no regular clothes allowed nothing with strings or metal or wire.As they were changing I got a first hand look at all the self harming I was mortified and felt extremely sad that they were hurting themselves and that hurting inside was the reason.I wish I could say that this was eye opening and we were good after this stay and it was helpful for medication changes and to understand how to keep them safer.I say safer because when your dealing with mental illness there is no 100% safe just doing all you can to keep them safe from themselves..

At the time of this hospital stay it was 2020 and age 13.We went through 9 hospitalizations inpatient acute and partial from August 2020 to December 2023.The mix was Violent outbursts breaking things glasses picture frames to use for self harm tools. Breaking their own things in their room.Verbal abuse,physical abuse to Authority figures mostly parents along with self harm, suicide ideations,attempted overdose on Midol(tylenol content) requiring tylenol poisoning reversal and life flight to the children’s hospital.Locking up our entire house basically for safety.People talk about what they go through but not how it changes you as a person.Tylenol is no longer just Tylenol it’s a suicide waiting to happen,Knives are no longer just knives so you resort to only using butter knives because they feel safe.Scissors are locked away because they are a hazard that you didn’t use to view as a hazard.Every noise becomes a what was that I should go check, not closing doors, middle of the night bedroom door pounding because they are having bad thoughts or found a new way to self harm.Sleeping becomes very disturbed and light out of constant fear and worry that you won’t hear what you need to or the knock at the door because you were to tired.Sometimes you look at your child and wonder if they are still in there and if you’ll ever get to the right medication combination to help them and if home will feel like home again and not the prison you turned it into out of safety.After multiple psychiatrists,counselors,hospital stays I can finally say that we ve been self harm and hospital free since December 2023.

I can say I myself sought help for anxiety which helped me handle things better and be less jumpy and work through PTSD through counseling and anxiety medication.Our Journey doesn’t end here But, I’m going to end today on this note and Advice. Mental Health Matters Talk about it!!!

The Middle

I last left off finding out our diagnosis and approval for our first IEP individualized Education Plan.Every Parent of a special education kiddo will tell you achieving one of these is a battle to receive and more of a battle to get appropriate supports put into these Plans.One Piece of advice I can offer is do everything through written correspondence letters or emails that are time stamped and keep copies.Truth is I ve learned if it’s not written down it didn’t happen This is any conversation for educational support services form teachers to guidance counselors,principals,The school psychologist,The educational support administrator in charge of IEP Development.

Keep Thorough records of everything.Moving on to the start of 7th Grade having to be in a middle/High school more people lots of class switching.Having to memorize a locker combination is a lot to start with now throw in puberty hormones emotional dysregulation socializing on a level your not prepared for not really a surprise my kiddo started to become depressed.We addressed this moving to the second half of 7th grade then COVID hit and the shut down.Turning 13 in lockdown only added to the depression with no friends to hang out with not get the school work or getting to attend the first junior high dance. Summer Rolled in the big craze to entertain in the shut down was tik tok.My kiddo liked to cosplay characters.But,a characteristic of Autism is hyper-fixating on special interests could be a person,celebrity,comic,story a song ,musical artist,ac ity or country etc.Sometimes what coincides is being to talkative to friendly to trusting online and giving information out or photos that shouldn’t be for safety or bullying.

We had an incident where phone privileges including tik tok had to be taken away for the just mentioned reasons.That led to waking up for work to a missing child who ran away in the middle of the night the horror and shear panic of not being able to find my child was unbearable luckily a random stranger brought my child home grateful they were unharmed but the fact they were so trusting of a total stranger was scary.This is where our mental health took a turn.Trigger warning: they were self harming and said they had considered jumping out the window.I took them to the Psychiatric hospital is was there they said they wanted to be a boy.So I’m nw in the midst of a Autistic child with ADHD and depression and anxiety but,self harm suicidal and at this current time in our story a transgender male.any one of these is difficult but,when your thrown all of it at one It’s a lot for a parent.I am going to end there next time I’ll take a deeper dive into the mental health side of our journey.Thank you for reading

The Beginning

Note: My child is nonbinary uses they them pronouns for those who are unfamiliar to give context before reading

Non-binary | An adjective describing a person who does not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. Non-binary people may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or as falling completely outside these categories. While many also identify as transgender, not all non-binary people do. Non-binary can also be used as an umbrella term encompassing identities such as agender, bigender, genderqueer or gender-fluid.

It all begins with wondering why my child never seemed to want to look at me while talking to them or when taking a picture or why toys never had a gender to them.It was stuffies,dolls,building blocks match box cars transformers and star wars.Barbies,dress up,Light saber battles.Why did it take so long to potty train was I doing something wrong as a first time parent.Why was it so hard to use both feet to climb stairs only using the same foot over and over not alternating until age 5.Looking back now it makes sense in the beginning I didn’t question it.I never realized I was supposed too.

Ok let’s skip ahead to kindergarten.Went to pick up line had to circle around because they couldn’t find my child.They had wandered off in the school.Maybe no big deal but odd for a new experience to have no fear.Still had difficulty learning shoe tying just couldn’t seem to grasp it.I thought ok we’re just a bit behind no big deal.Couldn’t skip coordination wasn’t there.Couldn’t peddle a bike kept forgetting how to alternate motions.Finally mastered the peddling then couldn’t keep balance on 2 wheels.Tried to play soccer sat in the field and picked flowers instead.Still I thought ok just haven’t figured some things out yet we just need more time.

Let’s jump ahead one more time Now we ‘re in Second grade.Teacher says Im concerned with the learning difficulty with math and can’t seem to keep focus.Teacher suggests a evaluation by the school.Basc test ok we agreed.Results came in pointing to Attention Deficit Hyper Active Disorder Possible Autism.We take our child to see a therapist to see if it would help work on the attention issues and spend more time before trying any medication.No one had said to me maybe you should get the Autism possibility evaluated I hadn’t experienced any females with it so I had no idea what I was supposed to be looking for or given any guidance from the school on next steps.

It had only gotten worse sensory issues pulling and tugging at clothes ended up on ADHD medication which only seemed to worsen the issues.4th Grade we stopped medication.5th grade back on medication math continued to be a struggle as well as focusing,clothing sensitivities,interrupting,talking to much.6th Grade comes we have a meeting.a teacher says my child is defiant due to the issues in math.I said no they don’t understand.Frustrated after trying medication,counseling,bahvior programs at school.I said enough I Pushed for the ADOS testing to see if indeed Autism was part of the issues.Test Came back ASD Level 1.I felt relieved no one would listen to me because female born children present autism traits differently.I then asked to have an Independent Education evaluation as the school did not want to provide a IEP individualized education plan.We got the testing came back ASD Autism spectrum disorder,ADHD combined type and a Learning disability in math.I wanted to go back and yell at the math teacher who called them defiant shame on you but,I didnt.I was just happy to have a way forward.